Memories of present times
by White Compass
Summary: End of season 3 whit a hope of how season 4 could have started.


Hello guys, this story is written in two times...the parts in _Italic_ are the flashbacks, while the part in roman are the present times (hence the title of this story).

enjoy

Declaimer: I do not own the characters, just using them for some fun, and I will return them….prettily unharmed, just a bit worse for the use.

* * *

**Memories of preset times**

White.

Pure, soft, comfortable white was all he could see as he opened his eyes.

An abated light was pouring through the window, just enough to let him know it was morning.

Castle reached up to lower the white sheets that were totally covering his face and, with one eye still closed and one only half open, glanced at his surroundings. The room was a mess…and to think that he took pride in his tidiness…Clothes were scattered everywhere. From where he stood, or better laid, he could spot a shirt hanging loose from the back of a chair and one leg of his elegant pants from last night peeping out at him by the end of the bed.

…the bed…

The bed was what took the worst of it! The white sheets were crumpled and scattered everywhere, he could feel a pillow with the tip of his toes and he could have sworn there was a blanket on it last night.

'…Oh,…last night…' he thought, grinning to himself.

Totally forgetting all the aftermath of the little hurricane that went off in his room, he turned his head to focus on the person sleeping next to him, the person that, with his help of course, generated that said hurricane.

A few locks of light brown hair were all that was visible.

Castle chuckled slightly as he scouted over to slowly uncover the face of the person that was currently occupying ¾ of the space on the left side of the bed.

As the stronger light hit Kate's face she moaned loudly protesting against the loss of comfort and darkness and, in the attempt of fleeing the daylight she scouted closer to Castle, and he gladly welcomed the heat of her body against his.

"Mmm" he moaned pleased, while Beckett slept on.

For once he was the one that was up early so he took his time observing her. He rested his head on his arm and just admired her peaceful face as she continued sleeping, unaware. She still got pissed at him every time she caught him observing her in her sleep, protesting that it was creepy.

Creepy. How could it be called creepy studying the woman he loved and getting to know her every expression, every inch of her skin…well, ok, maybe she has a point, but that didn't mean he would stop doing just that.

Her body was slightly leaning against his, her right shoulder brushing his chest and he started gently caressing her arm up and down to wake her up, but instead of complying she just turned around on the bed, so that now she was laying flat on her back.

Rick chuckled, but kept caressing her arm. He gently lowered the sheets that still covered her body till he reached the rim of her light aqua green underwear. Her upper body was now covered only by her matching lace bra.

He was in her same situation, minus the bra, of course.

He stopped one moment to take in the sight of her, and then moved his caressing hand from her arm to her stomach.

She moved a bit, not being really ticklish, but incapable of keeping still all the same and a visible smile escaped her lips, but she kept her eyes closed all the same and Castle, matching her smile, continued his actions.

He moved around her belly, first up and down and then in a circular motion, reaching till the hem of her underwear, teasing her.

Kate bit her lower lip, highly enjoying his actions.

Castle's hand continued the exploration of her body and, like a good little explorer, was taking good care not to miss any spot. He moved to her side and with his thumb tried to reach as much of her back as he possibly could, moving lightly in circle for a moment and then, with ad unexpected quickness, traveling all the way up almost till her armpit and then back again. Up and down. Up and down. He continued to administer his feathered touch for some minutes, switching from only his thumb to using his entire hand.

Kate, fully awake now, was trying to keep her eyes closed a little longer, but arched her back at his touch, allowing his hand to slide a little further under her back for one moment, just to slowly crawl up to her front again a minute later.

His index finger teased a couple of circles around her belly button to then follow an invisible path upward, to just between her breast.

His fingers drew imaginary patterns over her ribs, just to return a moment later to tease the skin under her breast.

He knew her body by heart by now, so he enjoyed more watching her expression to see what his actions were doing to her, just following the paths of his hand with his eyes only every once in a while. His hand brushed against a little bump on her skin under her right breast, and he followed its design for a moment before looking down at it.

His hand froze.

* * *

_Noise._

_ Noise all around him, and then silence. Well, not really silence, but everything felt like muffled to him. _

_As he understood what that glinting was he tackled her to the ground, but it was too late. The sniper had already took his shot and he hadn't missed. Her once pristine white gloves were now spotted whit her precious red blood, a sight he knew would bring nightmares to his sleep for many nights to come. _

_He knelt beside her, afraid to touch her, afraid that by holding her he would cause her more pain. _

_He kept one hand at her side and with the other tried to hold her head up, trying desperately to make her talk, to keep her conscious._

"_Stay with me Kate" he pleaded "don't leave me, please" he whispered the words more to himself, like a mantra, that to her._

_She was keeping her eyes on him, but he didn't know if she saw him or was still in shock. She didn't appear to be responsive._

"_Stay with me, ok. Kate" he repeated "I love you"_

"_I love you, Kate"_

_The words came out of him so easily, like he always said them, and he didn't know if they were his last opportunity to let her know his real feelings or an anchor he was throwing her to make her hold on, a promise of things to come._

_Whatever they were, they were his last clear memory for a while. All that happened in the next few minutes or even hours was still like a blur to him._

_He was vaguely aware of shouting all around him and of someone showing him aside, probably Lanie or Ryan, to check on Kate. He let himself be moved, but kept holding her hand in his for dear life._

_Castle couldn't understand how people could still move and talk all around him. For what it was worth he couldn't function at all. His eyes kept staring at a spot in front of him, but without really seeing anything at all. _

_As the ambulance came to take Kate, nobody was able to take his hand away from hers, so he was allowed to ride along. Ryan and Lanie following in a car right behind._

_During the ride to the hospital he took care to keep away from the paramedics that were frantically working on her, but never let go of her hand. The voices of the paramedics floated around him in a hurried fog, only bits and pieces of their conversation really staying with him._

_As the door of the ambulance opened and Kate's stretcher was pushed by the paramedics through the hospital doors, sound attacked him. It was like he had a cotton ball in his ears up until now, and someone had suddenly ripped it out._

_The voices of the medics that greeted them at the door and the ones of the paramedics that were reporting Kate's situation to the doctors were incredibly loud to his ears, and to top it all he heard an incessant beeping sound coming from somewhere in the building._

_Stumbling, he kept up with the doctors pushing Beckett's stretcher forward till they reached a damn door where they said he wasn't allowed to go further. He didn't want to leave her. Anything could happen and he wanted to be with her. If he let her go now, who could assure him that he was ever gonna see her again._

_It took one of the paramedics, Lanie and Ryan all together to make him let go, and even when he had, he just stood in front of the door, following her stretcher with desolate and inconsolable eyes till she was out of sight._

Desolated eyes…the same one that were staring at her scar now.

Sensing that his hand had stopped moving she frowned and opened her eyes. She looked at his expression and then down at where his hand had stopped and, taking his hand in hers, she kissed the tip of his fingers to draw his attention.

"Hey" she saluted him, smiling.

"Hey" he responded her, still serious.

"It's ok, Rick" she lowered his hand over her heart as if to confirm her words, to prove him she was still alive "It's ok" she repeated.

_Ryan and Lanie were able to persuade him, after a while, to move from where he had stood frozen in front of the glass doors and sit in one of the chair of the waiting room. _

_Esposito had arrived at some point, frustrated that they weren't able to catch the shooter. He had soon gone in pursuit of the men with two other agents, but by the time they reached the spot from where the shot was fired there was no trace of him. _

_Unlike at the cemetery, Castle was now more aware of his surroundings, but still he couldn't bring his body to do any normal function. _

_Outside of their little group, nurses and other visitors were talking and passing by like nothing major had happened, but Castle's world had shattered one hours ago, so he kept his eyes on the ground and tried to gather and hold the pieces together._

"_Dad!" _

_Too slow to react, Castle didn't as much see his daughter as he felt her crash into him in a tight embrace. Taken back by the violence of it he regained a few of his senses and was immediately aware that his daughter was sobbing into his shirt._

_With one hand behind her back and the other caressing her head, he tried to calm her down._

_Jim Beckett had arrived with Jenny, Martha and Alexis and now stood a few paces from him. "Rick" It was a greeting and a question all in one._

"_Sir" Castle greeted back and Alexis lifted her head up to hear the news as well. "She's in surgery" was all he said and Jim nodded his understanding._

"_Oh Richard" Martha came forward to hug his son, because now he was just his little boy again, and that was what he needed._

_No one needed say much, so all sat down again. Castle wasn't still one hundred per cent lucid, but felt more aware of his surroundings; he could hear Lanie blowing her nose while Esposito patted her back; Ryan quietly whispering to Jenny, holding her hands; his mother talking to Beckett's father and Alexis that, still holding him around his middle, was leaning her head on his shoulder both seeking and giving comfort at the same time. _

_After the first couple of hours Castle wasn't able to stay sit anymore. For his books he had done all sorts of research, and now all the information he had ever read about gunshot wounds were coming back to the surface, none being too pleasant. Complications during surgery, complications due to blood loss, complications afterwards…he was really getting fidgety and starting to panic. _

_He went to the nurse station to seek information on her conditions, but they just told him that 'Katherine Beckett resulted to be still in surgery', and after the fifth time, they told him they understood his situation, but he should just sit and wait for a doctor to find them when the procedure was over._

_Seeking others things to do he went to get coffee for everyone, one at a time, wanting to move, but not daring getting too far out of reach in case there were news._

_Finally after five hours and when he was preparing to make his sixth trip to the nurse station a doctor came out of the door he had stood transfixed in front of several hours prior. _

"_Family of Katherine Beckett?" he asked._

_Castle literally jumped to his feet._

_The doctor approached the group. Castle had waited for this moment so eagerly, but now he realized that he didn't really want it to be here. The doctor face betrayed nothing and Castle could only hear the thundering of his own heart over the words he so eagerly expected._

_He could see the doctor move his mouth, but all he could hear was '_…tu tum…tu tum…tu tum…_' all other sounds were muffled to him._

_All of a sudden the echo of his heart disappeared and all the sound returned to normal as he heard the doctor say "She's out of surgery and recovering"._

* * *

"It's ok" Kate replied.

Yes, it was ok now, but it was hard for Castle not to think about those dreadful hours. He still remembered how he wouldn't go to sleep the firsts days after the shooting 'couse he was afraid of the nightmares that would come every times he closed his eyes. He knew she had them too. In fact they were the reason they had started sleeping together, first just as friends, knowing and understanding what the other needed, then as something more.

Waking next to her had become a necessity. It reminded Castle that she was in fact still here and he had become accustomed to lulling her to sleep or, better yet, waking up with her in his embrace.

Noticing that he was relaxing again, Kate took the opportunity to take his mind off the past event and focusing into the present again.

Turning slightly toward him she started stroking the inside of his thigh with her left foot.

He reacted 'pronto'. "Mmm Detective" he said with an appreciative glint in his eyes. "Traveling dangerous roads?"

"Me?" she asked all innocently "If I remember correctly I was the one peacefully sleeping when one of your hands crept up on me"

"You're right" Castle said, slowly looking around to contemplate the condition the room was in and so give proof to his words "you're a total angel".

With a glint of desire showing in her eyes she smiled and seductively bit her lower lip.

Castle looked at her, mischievous smile matching her own, and with a quick movement positioned himself over her, a leg on either side of her, and drew the sheets over them as they both giggled.

* * *

_The doctor had allowed them to see her, but only briefly, due to the fact that she was in ICU and still under anesthesia. They were allowed to go in, but just one at a time and for no more then a couple minutes. _

_Off course they all agreed that the first one to go in should be Jim._

_Beckett's father followed the nurse the doctor had send to guide them to Kate's room. _

_He was inside no more then five minutes and when he came out he had tears in his eyes, he himself not sure if they were tears of grief for his baby or tears of joy that she had pulled through. _

_One by one they all entered the little recovery room she was momentarily put in, and one by one they all felt, in different degrees, the same split anxiety and relief her father had felt, till only Castle remained to enter the room._

_Now that he knew she was still alive he was torn between desire of seeing her and the fear of how really close to death she had been this time._

"_Richard…" Martha began, but he knew what she would say and wasn't really in the mood to discuss it so he interrupted her._

"_I know, mother" his voice more sad then harsh._

_Martha nodded and, taking Alexis by the shoulder, she told her "Say good night to your father, dear"._

_Alexis was taken by surprise "What?...but…" she looked at her grandmother that nodded knowingly._

"'_Night dad" she gave him a kiss on the cheek and a lingering hug. _

_He caressed her hair "Night pumpkin" and kissed the top of her head. _

_Esposito held out a hand to grab his shoulder "Bro…" Ryan nodded behind him._

_Castle understood. They were giving him the space he asked for and at the same time letting him know that they were backing him up. A promise that everything would resolve itself for the better._

_Before going, Lanie too gave him a hug "As soon as you're ready, go to her, she'll want you to!" she whispered in his ear, and he managed to answer with a weak smile._

_Jim Beckett wanted to stay close to his baby, but the exhaustion of the day really did a number on him, and now that he'd seen Katie he was thinking of maybe getting some sleep "I…" he started and then trailed off. _

"_You do not mean to go all the way across town to your apartment at this hour, do you?" Martha interjected. "At the loft there is a perfectly clean and usable guest room. You come with us. In this way you can come back here first thing in the morning". _

_Jim hesitated._

"_You'll be doing us a favor too…we'll be feeling a lot better knowing that there is a man in the house, and since Richard is staying here…" she trailed off._

_Jim smiled briefly to give his consent and as a form of thank you._

_Before turning to leave, Jim put a hand on Castle's shoulder "don't take too long"._

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_Two hours later Castle was still sitting in the now almost empty waiting room. He's been sitting in the same position almost the whole time, with his elbow resting on his legs and his head hung low, making him almost invisible._

_Two hours and he still hadn't gathered the courage to enter that little room. _

_Almost as if angry at himself for his cowardice he all but jumped to his feet moving in the direction of the glass door that led to her room. _

_Even if all he wanted to do was run to her, he covered the little corridor slowly, like if he was walking on thin ice._

_When he got to her room the door wasn't closed all the way, so he just pushed it open a crack and slipped in…and then he stood._

_The moon and street lamps shone through the window behind her and illuminated Kate Beckett's form on the bed. _

_He wouldn't say she was ghostly pale, in fact she had already regained quite a lot of color, but still she didn't look healthy. Her hair hung loose around her head and a tube in her mouth was helping her breath. Her right arm was leant to rest over the covers of the bed with a couple IV's drips giving her antibiotics and morphine, and a few electrodes were stick on her breast, under the white hospital gown, to monitor her heart beat. _

_She looked so vulnerable lying there hooked to all the machines, and yet so strong for having gone through what she had and surviving it._

_Castle closed the distance to the bed slowly, keeping his gaze on her features, till he was close to the bed. _

"_Oh Kate" he whispered_

_Kate…he usually used her first name just when he was either worried for her or mad at her. Usually she was just Beckett. But it didn't felt right here, this woman lying in a hospital bed was just Kate. _

_He found a chair and sat down next to her. _

_Castle took her left hand in both of his "…Please" he pleaded, and gently brought her hand to his lips to kiss it. _

_Resting her hand back on the bed he didn't let go. Castle closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Her hand. Not many hours ago he had held that same hand not knowing if it was the last touch he was stealing from her. At that time he had felt her hand grew colder and colder in his, her pulse barely there. Now her hand was a pleasant warm._

_Castle cupped her hand in both of his and rested his forehead over it. Even that little contact was doing miracles for him. _

_Exhaustion and relief began to have the better of him, because even if he didn't realize it, he started to doze off. _

_He awoke suddenly as he felt a movement in the hand he still held between his. _

_Her hand twitched again and he got wide alert as he realized Kate was stirring. _

"_Kate?" he tried, whispering tentatively, then a little louder "Kate?"_

_All of a sudden she threw her eyes wide open and an increasing and alarming beeping sound started to resound from her heart monitor. _

_In a moment her doctor and a couple of nurses rushed in, pushing him aside and surrounding Kate, so that he could barely see her now._

_As they worked all around her, Castle backed up to the wall, eyes like a deer in the headlights._

_From where he stood he could catch bits and pieces of what the doctor was saying, his eyes only searching for Kate's. _

_She was looking frantically all around her. People she didn't know were hovering over her and addressing her with questions after question. She ignored all of them and kept searching around. _

_Turning her head right she saw a small table and a EKG machine. The white, sterile room was without a doubt a hospital room. More frantically now she turned to look at her other side, the beeping increasing with her anxiety. More machine and a single upturned chair. Moving her gaze to look near the door she caught a movement; something dark contrasting with all the white all around. She focused on that and as the doctor moved a bit out of the way she was greeted by Castle worried eyes._

_Kate stopped and stared into his loving eyes that stared back at her._

_He smiled at her and mouthed a 'It's ok'. _

_Kate nodded and Castle noticed that even the loud beeping sound had subsided in his intensity. _

"_Miss Beckett, do you want the respirator out?" the doctor asked her again._

_Now she took notice of him and, tearing her eyes away from Castle for a moment, she nodded._

"_Ok, stay still" and the doctor removed the tubing in her throat that was helping her breath while unconscious. _

"_Mmgh" Kate complained. It wasn't surely the most pleasant sensation feeling a plastic tube pass through her dry throat, but at least she was breathing on her own now. _

_A nurse passed her a glass of water and she sipped a few drops from the straw. _

_The doctor, now that she was feeling a bit better, resumed asking her a few questions to which Kate gave short answers. He finished checking her vitals and moved to exit the room followed by one of the nurses, while the other was injecting a dose of painkillers into Kate's IV. _

_Castle moved toward the bed just as the doctor was leaving._

"_Just a few minutes Mr Castle" the doctor admonished "she needs to rest"._

_Castle nodded and, as soon as they were left alone, he reached again for her hand. _

"_Kate" here was again the nine years' old, not yet on a sugar rush, but working to get there._

"_Caste" she smiled, too._

_They stayed like that for a moment, neither saying a word. Her eyes were already getting heavy from the medications, but she was fighting it, wanting to stay like that a little longer. _

_Castle noticed. "Sleep Kate, you heard the doctor. You need to rest to get better" ._

_She nodded, but kept trying to hold her eyes open a little bit longer. _

_Castle squeezed her hand once more before letting it go. Making to move toward the door he said "I should call your father and let him know you woke up"._

"_Castle" she stopped him._

"_Yes?"_

_She hesitated a moment. "Would you be here when I wake up?" she asked, not looking directly at him as if she felt ashamed to ask._

_His smile warmed. "Always"._

_At that she looked in his eyes, paused and smiled back at him "Always" she repeated. _

_He turned again to leave._

"_Castle?" she called him again, her eyes already closed._

"_Yes?"_

"_I'veutu" she mumbled, drowsiness getting the better of her. _

_He smiled. "I didn't quite catch that"_

_She put all her strength in opening her eyes again and looked into his' "I love you, too" she repeated with a smile and then lost the battle against the drugs. _

_She had that little four words in her mind from the moment he'd said them first, but because of the trouble breathing, blood loss and…well, gunshot wound, she had had trouble speaking them before. _

_Castle smiled, placed a soft kiss on her forehead and left the room to call the others._

* * *

"Hihihi" both of them giggled like crazy, hidden by the soft sheets.

"Rick, stop it" she managed to say, as she stopped a moment to take a breath.

"Armast daane" he tried to speak with the hooks of her bra between his teeth. He had been trying to unhook it in this way for the past three minutes now, getting nowhere except tickling her.

She kept laughing "Desist already".

"Navar!"

"Not everybody can do that" she added seductively.

Castle's mouth left her bra to look her in the eyes and with a serious yet mischievous look he said "Ok, now is a point of honor!" and he attacked again causing another burst of laughter.

He successfully undid one hook when Beckett's phone began to buzz.

With an annoyed look she grabbed it and answered "Beckett". She listened for a minute to Esposito on the other end "Ok, be right there".

She looked apologetically at Castle "Sorry Rick, we have a body".

"I have a body right here, too…" he tried, looking at all of her.

"Rick" she warned

"Owwww" he pouted.

Reaching over a close by chair she grabbed another bra, one with a front hook this time, and showed it to Castle.

"If you're a good boy, I'll let you play with this one tonight". She smiled mischievously.

Castle stilled, eyes like a kid in a candy shop…a grown up kid in a grown up candy shop.

Beckett crawled back on the bed on all fours and nearing Castle's ear whispered "And if you're a REALLY good boy and go get the coffee ready I'll even let you bring the whipped cream to bed".

Beckett rose from the bed and entered the bathroom. Before closing the door she turned to look at Castle who was still in the same position on the bed.

"Well, aren't you getting up?" she asked

"Oh, don't worry, 'getting up' is not the problem" he said allusively.

Beckett rolled her eyes and threw the now unhooked bra at him before closing the bathroom door, both hoping for a pretty easy case and a speedy return home.

FIN

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Hope you all liked the story.

I wrote that the past summer after the season finale. Like most of the fans I was shocked and was commenting it on the phone with a friend. When I asked her what she thought would happen next season and she gave me 2 options...that night I thought I could mix those two option into a nice fanfic...

so thank you Mary, this is for you! ;)


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